Headline competition

A snippit of a Twitter conversation, with slight explanations. No animals were injured in the making of this post; we may have a disappointed badger however…


Chubby Checker Sues HP Over Penis Size App

Posted by majestic on February 15, 2013

WIKI CHUBBY CHECKER 2Some men might be flattered if a penis size app was named after them, but not Chubby Checker, reports WebOS Nation:

Attorney Willie Gary of Stuart, Florida, has filed a federal lawsuit in the United States District Court, Florida’s Southern District, against HP and Palm on behalf of performer Ernest Evans over the Silicon Valley firms’ hosting of an app titled “The Chubby Checker” hosted in the webOS App Catalog. The app, a play on the stage name of Mr. Evans – Chubby Checker, was created by developer Magic Apps, was designed as a calculator for estimating the penis size of a man given the input of his shoe size.

The app was downloaded 84 times before being removed from the App Catalog in September of 2012 and no longer available in the store on device or in the App Catalog web listings. “Chubby Checker” is held as a trademark by the Ernest Evans Corporation. The lawsuit claims that HP and Palm’s “use of the name ‘Chubby Checker’ in its app is likely to associate platiff’s marks with the obscene, sexual connotation and images,” and that Evans has “received no compensation for the unauthorized use of the Chubby Checker name and trademark”.

Additionally, the lawyers allege that customers that have looked at or purchases The Chubby Checker app “are being misled into believing that the plaintiffs have endorsed the defendant’s app.” Up to its removal, The Chubby Checker had clocked fewer than 100 downloads. The lawsuit is demanding that HP and Palm cease sales of the app bearing the trademark of or similarity to Chubby Checker and triple damages of the profits HP derived from sales of the app. When listed, The Chubby Checker retailed for $0.99; with sales of no more than a hundred copies and the 30% cut taken by Palm and HP from the App Catalog, damages could total upwards of $90.00…

Body Search In Arboretum Reveals Big Beaver

Published Aug 28, 2010, 12:00pm

A search for a body near the arboretum this afternoon ended after police found comedy gold floating in Lake Washington.

Sometime between 2:00pm and 3:00pm, someone called 911 and reported that a body was floating amongst the lily pads in Lake Washington, on the northeast side of the arboretum.

Patrols officers and the harbor unit responded to the scene, closed off the park, and found the “body.”

It took officers a little while to reach the floating “body” but when they did, SPD spokesman Mark Jamieson says they discovered the “body” was actually a “large, dead, decaying beaver.”

In other news, has anyone seen Courtney Love lately?


Gordon Ramsay’s Porn Dwarf Double Eaten by Badger

U.K. tabloid Sunday Sportrecently introduced the world to Percy Foster, a 35-year-old dwarf porn star whose career was just beginning to catch fire. It was all because an observant production assistant on the set of Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, It’s Up Your Arse We Go had noticed how much Foster looked like celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. But just as Foster was set to join the rarefied ranks of celebrity lookalike dwarf porn stars, tragedy struck: The body of the 3′ 6″ performer has been discovered in a badger’s den, partially eaten.

According to Sunday Sport‘s follow-up account, Foster was found “deep in an underground chamber by Ministry of Agriculture experts ahead of a planned badger-gassing programme near Tregaron, west Wales.” They write that “expert CSI teams had to use fingertip technology to remove his body from the six-foot-deep burrow.” (I have no idea what fingertip technology is, but I imagine it’s akin to one of those claw cranes you find in arcades and drugstores.)

Officials have not yet ruled out suicide, and adult film producer Dexter Yamunkeh’s comments — in which he intimates that Foster may have cracked under the pressures of being the world’s leading Gordon Ramsay-lookalike-sex-dwarf — certainly don’t invalidate the possibility:

“Percy was a little guy with big problems. He was doing well but he was under pressure, 24/7, like everyone in this goddamned business.”

It’s more than a little curious that the internet, aka God’s porn dumping grounds, contains not a single reference to either Percy or Dexter prior to these two news items. But that’s just the cynic in me talking. So tonight, we pour out a little (and I do mean little) gin in memory of poor Percy. We may never get to see his work in Midget MasterChef: Assbasters 7, but his memory will live on all the same.

I stand (or, after reading that last article, sit) in awe of the power of the internet.